sunday, 0103 hours

i really don’t know what it is about baking; i bake when i’m happy and i bake when i’m moody and i bake when i feel stressed and i bake when i feel upset.

it seems like it’s the only thing that i can run to and it doesn’t judge me. it just lets me do what i want to do. of course, sometimes things between us can go wrong and what i receive at the end may be something less desirable. but at least, it does let me take my mind away from whatever it may be.

i’d been in pretty good spirits the last couple of days despite everything else.

and tonight i baked again; another chocolate chip cookie. i’m not sure if i can say i’m a big chocolate chip cookie lover. but at least i can say i do love the buttery aroma mixed with the melting chocolate.

i should try baking something else when i run out of things to bake.

friday, 2359 hours

revoluntionary road.

how do you break free without breaking apart?

and i know what it means; i know how it feels to want to break free without breaking apart.

i could feel how the female protagonist felt. it was all so familiar. and i wanted to cry with her, to scream with her, to hurl abuses with her. that was what i felt, too.

so at least i know, it was not just me. it’s human.

and i’m only human too.

sunday, 2302 hours

it is something that my girlfriends and i have talked about, on occasions. maybe often.

the guy-girl thing.

the kind of emotions that run through you when you first meet someone of the opposite sex; the kind of feelings you would have for someone of the opposite sex. what emotions? what feelings? why is it that sometimes such feelings aren’t reciprocal, aren’t mutual? what is wrong?

i don’t know either. it’s just another one of those things that make up the world, really. like how some people like sweet foods, but some like savory stuff. like how some people like chocolates but some don’t. like how some people don’t like beef but like pork. like how some people like girls with long hair and some with short. like how some people like chubby guys and some like skinny.

more importantly i think it’s the essence of who you are, and the confidence you have to carry things through.

if only things were made easier to understand.

monday, 1054 hours

baking is growing to become more and more of a big love of mine. i’m not sure whether or not it’s because of the increasing therapeutic effects it has on me or has it been an empirical love, catalysed by a string of new equipments and techniques.

whenever i’m feeling restless, i bake; whenever i’m feeling down, i bake; whenever i’m feeling happy, i bake. you don’t really have to think about any other thing except for whatever you’re doing; the kitchenaid mixer whirling on the countertop, the wooden spatula in your hand, the aroma of something good cooking in the oven. the only thing i probably don’t enjoy, is the washing up – cleaning up countertops, washing out bowls, packing everything back in their respective places. but then again, it’s part of the process and big loves have their negative sides too, don’t they?

but i think what makes everything more worthwhile is seeing your friends’ expressions as they bit into whatever you baked. and when you’re able to enjoy your end product with a cup of tea. or milk. whichever strikes your fancy.

so you see, you can share your love with people you love too. or you can have it all to yourself.

and it is in this light that i ask myself: would things change if i change things? would things be different? would i remain true to this love or would it remain true to me?

sometimes, life’s like this; you gain some, you lose some. you can’t always win all. and when you know you’re gonna lose, you always find some ways of winning again.

we really always say, life’s too short to be unhappy, you have to decide that you don’t want to be unhappy and set about to ensure you aren’t unhappy.

it is also recognised that it isn’t easy; the whole world would be a happy soul if it were. but we have to try. we really just have to try.

therefore i’m gonna take things in small steps… tiny, unwavering steps that would eventually break into a run.

tuesday, 2139 hours

you experience moments of something; short, short periods of time when suddenly it seems like the world is crashing on top of you; short, short, periods of time when you feel like melancholy has a real hard grip on you; short periods of time when you feel like you’re on top of the world.

sometimes these moments seem to stretch a little longer than they should. sometimes they’re just a flitting emotion.

and i wonder…

when would it be the time for me to feel… real, again?

tuesday, 2328 hours

days melting into one another.

and after a while, you just kinda lose focus.

you wish.

that instead of melting, you could freeze time.

when it’s quiet.

as i stood at the foot of the hospital bed, laughing along to my dad’s childhood stories told by my aunt, i wondered what else happened. how were my parents like before they met each other? how were they like when they were younger? as kids? as teenagers?

am i like my mom when she was my age? which trait of mine did i get from my dad?

i wanted to know everything about my parents..

it’s the same as how one would want to know all there is of their significant other.

because of love.

monday, 0923 hours

there’re a lot of things you can get used to. like a change in your schedule. like the dwindling number of emails that come into your inbox daily. like waking up a tad earlier so that you can arrive in office earlier. like hugging a friend. like saying i love you to your mom.

and like being alone. or rather, feeling alone.

‘alone’ is something that shouldn’t even be in my life, because heck, was i ever alone?

but you know there’s a difference when some things change in your life. like losing a friend. a friend deemed important to you. a friend you can fall back on. now you feel like, if you close your eyes and fall backwards, the friend won’t be there to catch you and break your fall.

these are the things you get used to.

but.

i know even before i start to fall backwards, there will be people supporting me. and that is how you count your blessings each day.